and then he got sun burnt

My best friend Monks lil boy turned one May 29 2009. So she threw a birthday today. Its so crazy to think I went to her sons first birthday. His name is Alex. Whats even crazier is this is her second kid. She has a three year old (Jacob) running around too. It doesnt seem long ago we were in middle school together and now BOTOX is right around the corner.


I remember when Monk found out she was preggers with Alex. It was literally a week before our girls trip down to Florida. For months we had planned and planned. We were going to go down to my folks house in Florida, lay out on the beach all day drinking Pina Coldas and then have my parents pick us up stumbling out of the bars at night time. We were going to be 17 again but this time with legal ID’s. Monk was feeling wierd so she took a pregnancy test. Called me. Broke the news that she was with child. I told her I would never forgive her for doing this to me and that Chris did this on purpose!!! Im just kidding. We canceled our trip, but thats okay cuz 9 months later Alex arrived and he is way better then any girls trip could ever be.

Monk decided to throw this birthday party with about three hours notice. Actually it was three days, but she never told me that she changed the start time from 2:00 to 12:30. So at 12:15 when I text her, she picks then to tell me that it is starting in 15 minutes. I still hadn’t got the kid a present! And I refuse to be that friend who shows up with money in a card. Because you never know with kids these days. Alex could be hitting up some other kid on the play ground, for some crack. And I refuse to contribute to the delinquency of a minor. And thats all your doing when you put money in a card people. So now Im like rushing like crazy to get out the door and to Toys-R-Us. I get to Toys-R-Us. And this is when I learn babies get seriously jipped in the toy department. Anything for a one year old boy sucked! The girls stuff was cute cuz it was all pink but I couldnt show up with a baby doll, cuz Monks husband is still not over the fact that Jacob has a My Lil Pony from me.

So I get him a toy for a three year old. It was a fire engine sprinkler thingy, that took team work to blow up.


My brother and sister in law were notified that I was going to need to borrow Des for the day, so I wouldnt look like a pedifile showing up at a kids birthday party without a kid. Since Monk had failed to notify me of the birthday party time change, they agreed to bring him to me. I sneak into the party cuz of the whole being an hour late situation. But it didnt work, someone yells “JENNIFER ITS OKAY TO SHOW UP TO A PARTY FOR YOU FASHIONABLY LATE BUT THIS PARTY ISNT ABOUT YOU BUT THANKS FOR GRACING US WITH YOUR PRESENSCE, ALEX REALLY APPRECIATES IT !!!” Thanks Chris, you are such a doll and that is why I laughed at you when you blew a lung out blowing up his gift. That was Gods way of telling you, dont mess with his favorite.

Desmond comes along and his curls were the center of attention immedietly. Everyone wanted to touch them. He has the prettiest curls in the whole world.

Here is Monica giving Desmond scissors to cut them off, so she can keep them for herself.


And here he is after he chopped them off.

no curls

Im just kidding. Monk would be six feet under if she tried to cut his curls off. Seriously.

Monk had a Moon Bounce set up for the kids to run rampant in.


I took Des in there for half a second. He looked at me and with his eyes said “Get me the F out of here, right now, or Ill tell Mom and Dad there is a reason you dont have any kids!!!” So we got out and he was much happier running along in the grass, picking up peoples drinks and dumping them on the ground. Then giving you his cute lil grin, so you just handed him your cup, because that face will make you go into a trance and you are at his command.



So whats a first birthday party with out the traditional cake picture!



So the party winded down and we went inside for some cool air. This is where Desmond tried to put a DVD in a VCR, picked up some fine china, jumped on chairs then demanded you to get him “DOWN DOWN DOWN”, ate some food and danced.


His parents came and got him and he left with his balloon and new best friend. A push along car that he played in most of the day while saying “VROOM VROOM VROOM COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE.”


After Des left it was time for clean up. Somehow every husband that was there had managed to disappear, so me and Monk stripped down the moon bounce, the canopy, balloons, tables and chairs. Washed cake off of places I didnt even know cake could reach. Monks mom came outside and asked where Des was at. And I was like “His parents came and got him. Im new to this, we are doing it in small doses.” She replied with “You like not having kids?” I responded with “Yes I love not having kids.” Monk butts in and is like “No kidding, cuz at least you dont have to do all this!” Which I responded with “I just did all of this! What are you talking about??? I worked harder here then I do at work!” And we all laughed.

But seriously look at me, I am drenched in sweat!


If I dont get Best Friend of the year, the ballots were rigged!!

After we packed it all in, I called it a day and headed home. I was so proud of myself. I had Desmond all day and he didnt cry. I managed to send him home in the condition I recieved him, apart from being dirty. But thats how you know they had fun right?
I post this on facebook and then my brother is all like “He has a sunburn…..”

But even though he has a sunburn, this picture shows that I did my job. I wore his lil cute curls out today, so hopefully Mommy and Daddy well get a good nights worth of sleep.



Jennifer Scared a black guy in ATL. Apparently he doesnt get out much.

My resolutions this year were different from other years. This year instead of doing the whole lose weight, stop cursing, eat healthy, blah blah blah boring resolutions, I decided to take a different approach. All the other years, I broke every single one of my resoultions five minutes after the clock turned twelve. Not that I didnt want to accomplish them, I just couldnt do the follow through. This year I made a list of stuff that I wanted to accomplish and gave myself the whole year to follow through.

1- Read Jane Austens books. Already completed three of them.
2- Particiapte in a 5 K – Completed that Feb 28
3- Buy a gun and learn to master it. (Havent done this one yet).
4- Learn to play guitar. (Guitar hero down, the real thing is next).
5- See Britney Spears in concert. Lets discuss.

I love Britney Spears. Every song on every CD has a memory wrapped around it.
Baby One More Time -Hanging out in High school at Kats house. Watching MTV. Infatuated. We did not have cable at my house growing up. I always say my brother and I didnt get emotions, till we moved out and were introduced to the WB (Now known as the CW).
I’m a Slave for You – Reminds me of visiting Hayles at college in Statesboro. When every female woke up from thier afternoon naps before hitting the bar, this song was played at full blast while getting ready.
I’m not a girl, not yet a woman – The most perfect song at that point in my life. It was like my personal anthem to describe how I was feeling on a day to day basis.
In the Zone Cd – Best memories are tied to this Cd. Going to visit Monica in Germany and driving around in the mustang blaring Britney and singing at the top of our lungs! It didnt matter that we were an ocean away from our loved ones, in a country that didnt speak English, living off of bean/cheese burritos and rum or that Monica had the black Plaque growing on her walls. We could get in the car, turn on Britney and all of a sudden we were crusing down the Russell strip just like we did when we were 16.

Brits been through some shit in the last few years. I refused to jump off the Britney train. Even though at times, she unbuckled my seat belt and tried with all her might to push/kick/bodyslam me off. But I held on. And I am so glad I did! Cuz March 5 2009, I got to see my girl in all her glory, with thousands of our closest friends.


It was not an easy task getting there.
I remember when I heard she was performing in Atl. My car tried to kill me. But I survived. For Britney. Then a friend of mine bought his girl-toy two tickets, but didnt get me any. Even though I provide him laughs all day long with our witty banter. Ass. Then they were sold out. Then I paid triple the regular price for shitty seats. But who cares, I was still going. Then I get a 103.7 temperture and get diagnosed with the flu and upper respitory infection. Then the doctor perscribed me meds, I was allergic too, so I couldnt get better fast enough. But I stayed three hours in line for the wrong medication, so you can bet your pretty butt that I could go to ATL, temperture and all.


Jennifer and I get to the concert. Watch the pussy cats perform.

Go outside during the break. Where I have a wave of hot and cold flashes come over me and feel like I am going to hurl. Jennifer has made best friends with some gays.


As they are trading numbers and emails I watch my life sweat out of me. I tell Jennifer I need to go inside I am not feeling to hot. Gay Guy A looks at me and is like “Girl did you drop some extacy, that does it to me everytime.” NO I DID NOT TAKE ILLEGAL DRUGS BUT HERE IS SOME ALKASELTZER SNORT IT AND KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!

We go inside to the bathroom. We wait in line behind a million girls for at least twenty minutes. In this line is a girl who did not look old enough to drink and I know for a fact she did not weigh enough to drink. She is quickly thrown out of line so can puke her guts up in the trash can and sink. Because we were all looking at her, we fail to notice the trillion urinals and the guys peeing in them. When we do notice, we are up to the stall and about to go in and pee. But no Robo-cop comes in and yells at all of us like we are twelve, and informs us to get out, this is the mens bathroom. And Jennifer is like “Ya I waited in line for twenty minutes and a cop has already came through and not said anything, so Ill get out when I get done doing my lady business.” And he replies with, “You feel like leaving the concert, cuz Ill make that happen NOW GET OUT!!!!!!”
Which is rediculous. Cuz its a Britney Spears concert. Every guy there was Gay. So he doesnt care to share his precious powder room with females. And if some werent gay, it was cuz they were there with the girlfriend against thier will. And they deserve to see some side boob and maybe a lil front bottom, FOR BEING BOYFRIEND OF THE YEAR! But we had to go wait for another fifteen minutes to pee in the designated area.
We go back to our seats and Perez Hilton comes on in his granduer as the ring master.

And then Brit comes on and opens with circus. The crowd goes crazy! She looked Fabulous! Her body was banging. Her dance moves were better then ever.


She lip-sang but thats ok. Cuz you dont go to a Britney Spears concert expecting open mic night. You go to be entertained by the glitter and sparkles. And entertained we were. We were on our feet for the whole time. Everytime I jumped, bent over or took a breath, my skirt rose up and I showed everyone my Britney. I sweated so much, that I think at some point my fever was forced to break. Fun times.

She performed for an hour and forty minutes. Non stop. Even threw in some NIN in the mix. My brother would be proud.

After the concert we met up with some other friends that had attended.

We meet up with them and go to the Westin to grab some food and beverages. Which is where we ran into the most drunk woman ever. She came over to our table, pratically sat in the middle of it. And proceeded to tell us how beautiful we are and she wanted to be young again.


Well thats what we think she said. You couldnt really understand through the slurring. Jennifer told her that she needed to go to bed. I offered her my pinini, cuz she needed something to soak up the massive amounts of alcohol she had apparently consumed. She informed me that she couldnt take my pinini because if she did she would have to whoop Jennifers f*cken ass for being such a bitch and telling her to go to bed.
So there you go. Pininis are a violent meal and do not eat them unless you want to catch a case.
After that we headed home. Where I crawled into bed and have not removed myself since.

2009 is mine….


Well hello there internets…..

So it has totally been forever since I have posted. And I apologize. I stare at the blogs I check on a minutely basis, waiting for some kind of update to show me that everyone is alive and kicking. But my computer came down with a virus and it had to be rushed to the the Hogan Hospital in Perry, where Dr. Greg worked on it for four days. He worked and worked on it, to finally get it to start breathing again. It was very scary but after lots of prayers and good well wishes, it was healed. So thank you Dr.Greg, MY VERY BEST FRIEND EVER!!!!!

So in order to catch up, this one will be a long one, so bare with me internets. Please.

So Christmas came and went. I was nervous about Christmas. You see, I was the baby of the family for 25 years. Every Christmas, for 25 years, was about me! me! me!

I made sure for the last 25 years that the majority of the presents under the tree were for me. The biggest and greatest were mine. Point. Blank. Period. If not, I totally pouted in the corner and didn’t want anyone talking, looking, or breathing near me. You think I am kidding???? Last year Greg got a box of beers from around the world. I squealed with delight, while I ripped through my presents like the Tasmanian Devil until I got to my box, just like his. It never came. I pouted so much that my dear Mother went back down to Florida and got me, my own box of beer from around the world. That is just how the baby of the families rolls. But this year would be different, because last year I gave up my title of “baby of the family” and handed it over to my beloved nephew Desmond. I psyched myself up and was like “Jenn you can handle it, your not going to get all the presents, there is a new kid on the block! You love this kid more than life itself, so you will not and can not throw a hissy fit, when he gets the most presents!” So even though I sat there staring and salivating at the presents under the Christmas tree, I was able to keep my composure. Because, YES, Desmond got the most and the biggest presents. Lets enjoy some pictures of him with his new presents.




Did you notice how all the present were musical? Yes, well music runs in our family. Greg can play the guitar better then anyone EVER and I can carry a note or two. We were totally in a fifties band growing up. This band was so huge in the Middle Ga area, that it opened for KMART when it was upgraded from the standard KMART to the SUPER KMART. For some reason, Greg and I never made it in the big league, so it is just known that Desmond will be the one with his name in bright lights, in the big cities.

So that pretty much sums up Christmas. Honestly having a kid around, takes Christmas to whole new level. Having my Nana fly over to America from Ireland to enjoy it with us, just wrapped it up into the best Christmas EVER!!!

On a side note. Before Christmas, I was over at Greg and Jackies. Jackie and my Mom had went to ATL to pick up my Nana. So Greg is sitting at the computer and I am laying on the floor playing with Desmond. I pick up one of his teething toys. It is an album. Each page has a member of the family on it. I flip through it. Everyone is there, except me!!!!! So I perk up and yell over to Greg, “Hey why aren’t I in this album???” And he is all like “Jackie is going to be so disappointed that you saw that!!!” During this exchange of words, Desmond has picked himself up and starts walking towards me, to see what the commotion is about. He wasn’t walking in more than two steps at this time. So I totally stole their moment. And I loved it!!!!!


So after Christmas, we have New Years. One of my good friends Kelli was telling us about this deal that the Foundry Park Inn, in Athens was having for New Years. Her husband (Andy) and Matt are like BFF. So basically, if Matt and I agreed to go, Andy would sign on the dotted line that it was a go. So I explained it to Matt and he was like “Well lets do it!”

So we went and we had the best time ever.


So we get to Athens and check into the hotel and go to the local Chic-Fil-A and eat like a bunch of college students that just left their dorm room after passing the bong back and forth. We literally licked the table when we were done. We were starving. Then we hit up the liquor store, to get some drinks for the room!


After picking up our beverages, we venture to back to the room for naps. The rooms were the nicest rooms I have stayed in. The beds were huge and the room was simply elegant. I couldn’t sleep, so I watched TV and got Matt and my outfits ready. There was a knock on the door. I opened it and was handed these.


Romantic right???? I loved it. We then proceeded to get dressed and ready for dinner. We head down to the resturant where we were going to celebrate at. Literally, not five minutes there, I stick my foot in my mouth.

We had grabbed some drinks and were sitting outside smoking. I look up and notice that the heaters are absolutly adorable.


The minute I announce very loudly “OH MY GOD THESE HEAT LAMPS LOOK JUST LIKE LIL CHINA MEN!!!!” A CHINA man walks by. Everyone busts out laughing and I cringe into the corner, ashamed, that I am totally a racist. What a way to bring in the New Year. But its ok cuz my best friend is Korean. Hey Monky~

I drank beer the whole night, apart from a couple of mandatory shots. Andy and Matt drank, crown and sprite with a sqeeze of lime. After they come back with their drinks from the bar. I bust into a fit of giggles. Andy and Matt stare at me, like what the heck is she on.

So looking at the glasses thier drinks are in, I am all like “So you two homos going to exchange a KISS at new years?? Those are the girliest glasses I have ever seen!!!!!!!!!!” Here is Matt holding the “manliest drink ever!”


Oh and that homo new years kiss, this is the best I could get.


The rest of a night was a blast, but using a camera involved soberness and that wasnt an option.

After New Years, we had my beautiful, gorgeous, adorable, funny, cutie-pie, most perfect nephews birthday. My baby boy turned one. I remember when Jackie and Greg came over here to tell me that they were expecting. Greg said “well Jenn in January, we are going to need you to clear your schdule to be a baby sitter!” and my immediate thought was oh they need someone to watch the dogs, no biggie. But I looked back at them and it clicked. They were giving me the most precious gift of being an Aunt. So of couse I started bawling crying. This was the most beautiful, precious, out of the world extrordinary gift, that anyone could give me. A child, that somewhere inside of them held part of my DNA. During the past year, I have had the absolute privilage of watching this kid grow. He is by far the most gorgeous child I have ever encountered. He has the most easy going personality that he got from his mother, cuz that is not a Hogan trait. He makes me laugh and cry (when his parents leave for 10 minutes to long and I have no idea how to fix him!). The only way I can describe my Desmond is by simply stating ” by watching him, it is like watching my heart walk on the outside of my body.” I never knew I could love so much. I love all of my family with everything I have. My Matt, My Mom, My Dad, My Nana, My Greg, My Jackie, My Desmond and my friends that are also my family, are my life. But Des is my absolute favorite human ever, I will do anything and everything to make his life perfect. Especially when he shows me this face. It melts my heart.


One of my best friends Jennifer Rich and I Claimed 2009 is mine. And it is. So its only a few weeks late, but Happy New Years and make it yours.

Have you ever seen the movie Diner? Ya me neither

So the office Christmas Party was last night. It was at the Comfort Inn. Swanson House catered. And it was Bring Your Own Booze.

So I get all dolled up to go mingle with the big wigs and throw on that Irish charm, so I can flirt my way to a promotion.


I walk into the party with my cooler. I looked like a pro-alcoholic. Sure others had alcohol in the form of mini-bottles and had descretly brought them into the party.

But I showed up with a freaking bright blue cooler. Full. On my shoulder like a purse.

So in all the pictures I am holding a beer, while everyone else has thier drinks concealed in a cup.

And if that didnt seal the deal. OH THEN THIS PICTURE DOES.


Ya, I just totally got caught on camera, pounding a beer. At the company Christmas Party. Mom and Dad, I am sorry.

***I really wasnt pounding the beer. We are in a recession, I had to get the very last drop. I cant in good conscience go around wasting beverages. Alcoholic or Non-Alcoholic.****

We played a raffle game. It was rigged. Our big boss Will, went around with a box and randomly selected people to pull out the winning raffle tickets and read the number out loud. If your ticket matched that number, you won. So after watching ten people win and go and select thier prizes, I was like “Will let me pull out of the magic box!”

So he lets me, and when I pull out the winning ticket, I said “And the winner is Jennifer Hogan!!!!!!”

He took my ticket away from me and read the number.


It was rigged.

There was a Christmas Tree in the lobby. Everyone stopped and took a picture in front of this Christmas tree. It was like the Christmas tree was a Magical Mythical Beast, that you had to take your picture in front of or NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE YOU THAT YOU REALLY WITNESSED IT!!!

So I totally had my picture taken with it.


And then the company had thier picture taken with it.


Now just to prove to you, that I wasnt the only one drinking. I may of brought a cooler but Deirdra brought a Blender. So go ahead and judge her too.


And finally, I dont know which picture is going to get me promoted.
Its pretty much a toss up between the pounding the beer picture or this one. Cuz wouldnt you want to wake up and work with this little ray of sunshine, everyday????

Look at my face in the back ground.


All in all it was fun. I had some good laughs and it was nice to see people outside of the work enviroment. But I still think I deserved a door prize. Just saying.


So if you didnt know it I, Jennifer Lynn Hogan, find Sarah Palin totally freaking adorable. I love her upbeat attitude, her gosh darn wordage and the fact that she is a mom of five, married to oh my gosh darnit hotness and  is an elected official in the state of Alaska. She is just a role model to girls, showing that they can have it all. I know there are people who read this blog, who are gagging right now. But oh well. Its my blog. AND I FREAKING ADORE HER.

So my friend Jennifer, who is even more of a fan then I am, called me last week and excitedly tells me “OMG Sarah Palin is coming to Ga to hang out with YOU AND ME!! SHE WANTS TO BE OUR BFF!!!”

So we start making the plans for the meeting of our favorite person ever. We start with Tshirts. They had to be perfect. We shot our ideas back and forth. Finally we came up with simple but stunning. So Sunday morning Jennifer and I meet to go on a hunt for our supplies. Walmart didnt have them unless you are XXXX-Large. So we hit up Target. Nope they dont even carry the shirts, cuz apparently they didnt get the memo that they are located in the south. Then we hit up Hobby Lobby. We go up to the door. It doesnt open. Hmmm maybe its broken, so we proceed to walk all the way around the store to the other door. It doesnt open.

When the heck this store of brilliance go bankrupt?????? It didnt. It was Sunday and they dont open on Sunday. I mean we probably should of figured that out, with the whole parking lot being empty. But its Sunday, and its a day of rest, which means a day of rest of logical thinking.

Jennifer and I are joined at the hip. We even have a secret meeting place thats halfway between our houses, that we meet at when we are in dire need of a laugh. So Jennifer goes to the Walmart in Perry. Finds the shirts and tells me to meet at our secret place, so I can try it on to make sure it fits. So we meet at Gorilla Moes. Where children are running around playing innocently inside. Unbeknown to them, I am on the outside totally stripping my top off. The shirt fit. All that is left, is throwing on some fabulous decorations! So Sarah can totally get the Southern hospitality feel.

We go to the Rally Monday. We are soo excited!! And then she comes out in all her Sarah Glamour!!


She starts her speech. She thanks everyone for coming out because she sure has been having Georgia on her mind.


Then she says: “I especially want to thank my girls, Jenn, Jennifer and Jamie for coming out with their adorable shirts!! You girls are uber fun!”


And she continued: “I am not going to say the word Maverick in this speech, because those girls already warned me, they are making a drink out of it. Every time I say it, they are going to take a shot!!!”


“Oh no I said it!!!! First shot on me ladies!! You betcha!!!”

After the rally we all go out for our drinks. This is a picture Sarah took of us.


So today I go to vote. As I leave the polling site, I am on the phone talking about how freaking excited I am that my other BFF, Britney Spears, is going to be in Atl on March 5 putting on a concert. As I go down the steep hill leaving the old mall and head on to Watson, the cable attaching the gear shift to the clutch snaps. Broken. Dead. Car is locked into 2nd gear but reving like it is in neutral. Breaks go out. So ya basically my life flashes before my eyes as the speed builds up, driving into rush hour traffic. The only thing I am thinking is “NO I CAN NOT DIE BEFORE SEEING BRITNEY! CAN NOT! WILL NOT! MUST LIVE!!!!”

So I pull my ninja like moves and grab the E brake and come to a screeching halt.

I call Matt and tell him. He says stay put, Ill be there shortly. So I wait for like 15 minutes. With my hazards on. Two cops pass by. A million and nine cars drive by. Not one person stopped to help me. I sat there thinking “man I know I pay my taxes, shouldnt someone ESPECIALLY the police officers, stop to make sure I am okay?????”

God must really love my blogs, cuz he sure is giving me a lot to blog about!!!

Finally my knight in shining armour shows up and saves the day. He straps a cable to my car, pulls it up with his truck, back into the parking lot. After a trip back to the base and almost dying of hypothermia, Matt fixes my car and sends me on my merry way.

So ya March 5 2008, “Its Britney B*tch!!!”

So we had a daughter and named her Fiji.

I am so excited about my faith in movies being redeemed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited that I am blogging twice, with in twenty four hours!

So I took my shower. Threw on my jeans and hoody. And waited for Jennifer to come get me, so we could go to see Four Christmases!

Since I did absolutely nothing all day, I got ready and had time to take a picture of myself. Which I am glad I did. Because I was all about chopping my hair off. But I fell back in love with my hair tonight. It whispered sweet nothings in my ear and brought me flowers and chocolate. So I think Ill keep it. Till it annoys me and then I will have the whole “its not me, its you, talk. We are over.”


Then my wonderful friend Jennifer came and picked me up. She totally forgot my Thanksgiving plate. But since she makes me laugh the minute I am in her presence I totally forgave her.

We drive to the movies and the text messages start rolling in. “I cant make it. I am sleepy. Husband is sick. Baby is sick. I ate to much.” But Jennifer, Ashley and I have been planning on seeing this movie, since we went and saw The Women. The previews to this movie, were the highlight of the whole “The Women” movie. So nothing was going to bring us down!


So we get our tickets where Jennifer totally cannot find her “money” and I have to pay. We walk inside where we find Ashley waiting for us. She was our only trooper out of 6 girls that did not let us down.


We go up to get our popcorn and drinks. Jennifer finds her money and pays for me too. She is a doll like that. We get into the theater. It is pretty packed but not as bad as Twilight night. And there wasnt a million 12 yr old girls applying their makeup, so Edward would fall in love with them. Silly children. Edward only loves 26 yr olds from Ireland, named Jenn, with blue eyes, great hair, and recently had a breast reduction.

Jennifer and I are sharing our pop corn and talking before the movie. Jennifer goes “Man there sure are alot of Colonel’s in here.” So I take a look around, then turn to her. “Jennifer, I dont see one guy in here, in a military uniform.” She looks at me like “WHAT?????” Finally, it registers what she was talking about and what I was talking about and we busted into a fit of giggles. Thats why I love her. She embraces my blond moments and will laugh with me and not at me. Then we proceeded to count the kernels and it was a lot. We were about to go out and tell the concession stand people to pop them for us, but the movie started. From the first scene we were laughing! Four Christmases was GREAT!! I loved it! It was good clean humor. Reese and Vince are the next Kate Hudson/Matthew Mc Conaughey. They had great chemistry.

That is all I am going to write about the movie, cuz I read it somewhere that people are not happy with spoilers in the things they read. But if you need a good laugh, go see it.

We leave the theater and go to gas station. Jennifer lost her “money” again so I got stuck with the bill. I always though the whole “I left my wallet at home.” was a fictional story people told. It isnt.

Go out with Jennifer and she will bring that story to life.


Thanks David – from my frontbottom

So while all of you are stuffing your faces with Turkey and pie, surrounded by the ones you love, I am doing what I love. BEING LAZY!!!

This is my favorite day of the year. Its the one day that I know that everyone is busy, so my phone will not ring, I wont have random stop bys and I don’t feel obligated to be anywhere. I get to just lounge around the house and watch girly movies and surf the net. Be jealous.

Everyone always makes a big huff and puff, when I tell them, till I am blue in the face that “NO I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN YOU FOR THANKSGIVING.” I appreciate that I have so many people in my life, that want me to join them for their celebrations. I am thankful for each and everyone of them. I love you guys a lot. When I go around the table and say what I am thankful for this year. It will be you guys. And I really will do it. No one will be here to witness it. But I promise you, you’ll get your own little personal shout out.

I woke up at 11 today. It was glorious. after working a 11 hour/11 hour/10 hour work days all week, it was sooo nice to not have to wake up. I woke up and ate some pumpkin cheesecake a coworker made for me. Because again, they just felt awful, I was not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. And by all means please continue to feel awful, I will gladly take free pie and cheese cake.

I cleaned my bed room. It was gross. Matts been out of town for two weeks, so I feel like the parents are out of town. I have been leaving dirty plates/cups everywhere, letting my clothes lay where they fell. I TOTALLY DRANK OUT OF THE MILK CARTON EVERY MORNING!!!! So today I put a little dent in the cleaning. I have till Sunday to totally clean the house. So I am not over stressing myself. I mean it is a day of Thanks and Rest. The Pilgrims and Indians said so.

Then I placed myself an order at FATZ CAFE. I swear I heard the girl cry a little, when I placed my order. One Thanksgiving meal to go. I hung up before she could offer for me to come eat with her family.I went and picked up my Thanksgiving dinner. In my pajamas and a baseball hat. COULD THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER.

I go inside to pick up my food.


Doesn’t it totally look like, I hit up the soup kitchen and stole from the homeless. Maybe I did.

I come home, curl into my bed and turn on the movie Sidney White. And ate my Thanksgiving Dinner. In Peace.


I don’t even like cranberry sauce but its in my belly. The whole meal was fabulous! It hit the spot. I didn’t have to cook. Didn’t have to socialise.  Didn’t have to get dressed. Didn’t brush my hair. Didn’t put on make up. In all honesty I haven’t showered today.


I will have to shower later, when I go to see Four Christmases. I swear to God, if this movie sucks, I will be done with movies for a long time. I haven’t seen a decent movie in forever. Apart from the Bond movie. But I think that was also the atmosphere of the whole night. The movie was just destined to rock. I need something to make up for the whole Twilight misery, so Vince and Reese, no pressure.

I am thankful that David got a tattoo of my face on his stomach. Although it is kinda wierd when I lick it. But oh well. I give thanks.


This post is rated at XXX.

***Please do not hit on hyper links if you do not like curse words, apart from the lulaville one. She is good clean fun****

So I have this dirty little obsession with this blog. It is totally crude and vulgar, so it is right up my alley cuz apparently I remind people of the sister on the show Dexter. I have a dirty mouth. So dirty that even Orbit can not clean it and have asked me to please quit purchasing their gum, cuz it is not doing well for their advertisements.

I try to keep the blog PG-13/R cuz family reads it. And they do not approve of my awful language. I try to watch it in thier presence, but there is no delete button, once it has left my mouth. So they know around me, I will “colorfully” describe something. The blog, I can delete something if I know it is not parental/brother approved.

So I hear that I resemble the sister on Dexter. I decide to finally youtube “Dexter’s Sister” and honestly it was like they follow me around and write down the witty curse word filled phrases, I say on a daily basis and totally put them in the script. I should probably sue for copyright infringement but she pulls me off totally adorably and is waaaayyy pretty so I am flattered. And they haven’t pulled out my signature phrase “frontbottom” yet, so they are in the clear.

I was telling my friend Eric (Lulavilles brother) that “I remind people of the chick off of Dexter. However, I dont have the channel it comes on, so I haven’t had the chance to watch it. So I think I am going to rent the seasons and have myself a Dexter marathon.”

A couple of days later he tells me that he TIVO’d 2 hours worth of the show and I can come watch it there. To make sure it is something I want to waste my money on and rent. I am all like “Wow Eric that is totally sweet of you, thank you sooo much! Cuz with the economy being soooo bad, I need to watch my pennies. I dont see the Government bailing me out of my cable bill. Ill be over after work.”

So after work, I head over there and sit down to watch this show that I have never seen. He hits play and proceeds to do household chores. I curl up on the couch and prepare to be engrossed in two hours of watching myself come to life on television. You know,if my brother was a night time serial killer.

A cartoon comes on. I think that maybe its just the introduction. So I watch. And begin to feel like I am on an acid trip. Finally I am like Eric, this show is like super weird, I am really confused. So he comes over. Hits stop and goes to the display menu. This is where I see the title. It was Dexters Lab. This makes me laugh sooooo hard. He had totally TIVO’d me a cartoon. But in his benefit, the name of Dexters sister’s name is Deb. The name of Dexters Lab’s sister is Dee-Dee. I would totally of got confused too!! And it was a very sweet gesture. So now I am back to square one and I will be renting the seasons from the video store.

But now back to my dirty little obsession with this blog. I checked the blog, like I do on my daily ritual. And on it, is this sign.


And wow. I have been all about going on a cruise, but now, I dont know. I havent seen in the brochure a warning about the penis monster that may come out of the water and eat you while sun bathing. I am thinking that my next vacation may be in the mountains. I would rather run from Big Foot, then swim away from Penis Monster.

If someone had just gave Jasper a laxative, the movie might of been saved….

First of all here is a picture of me, if I had grown up in the fifties. I believe I look like my Nana and that makes me very happy. Because she is beautiful.



Sooo it finally came. The opening night of Twilight. The beginning of the week, was like counting down to Christmas! I woke up this morning, with a grin, texting friends, updating twitter, and facebook/myspace status’s. It was finally here. I was going to see my obsession brought to reality on the big screen.

Monk had went Tuesday and got our tickets. When I saw the ticket, it was like she was holding the golden wrapper from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory! I called her the minute I left work today and when she answered I screamed in her ear, “4 MORE HOURS MONICA!!! 4 MORE HOURS!!!!” She screamed back “I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!!” And then we pissed our pants.

Mel, Monk and I met at the Outback for some grub before the movie. So we could eat animals, all Edward like and totally bond over our love for this book!!

Mel ordered us a blooming onion and Monk and I ordered us some adult beverages. The adult beverages came out. Monk got a smore martini and I got a strawberry martini. Monks was disgusting and mine was worse. It looked like a vile of Bellas blood poured into a martini glass. It tasted like strawberry jelly, all that was missing was the peanut butter.


The the blooming onion came…One of the onions had a burnt part on it. Mel picks it off. Its a bug.


So needless to say we are all pretty much turned off of any kind of food. But Gosh Darnit, we waited in line for 108 years and still ended up stealing a table, from some friends I ran into, so we need food. Mel and I ordered soup and Monk order cheese fries.  We nibbled on them and then decided to head to the theater, an hour early. Good thing we did, cuz 12 years old do not play when it comes to twilight.

The line was wrapped around three times.


 I was like “Ya so I am totally all about bowing some twelve year old little girl in the face, if it means we get to cut the line.”: But then I saw some of them packing heat, cuz they were all like “I am all about shooting some 26 year old in the face, if they think they are cutting in the line.” These girls were obsessed. You thought I had it BAD, my obsession didnt even register on the crazy Twilight Level, these little chickies were on.



I was actually embarrassed to be a member of this cult. But not embarrassed enough to leave. So we did our penance and waited in line. Finally we were allowed to go into the theater. As we walked into the theater, one by one, like sheep, we had Sir Rent A Cop Drill Sargent Man yell at us “MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR TICKET READY TO SHOW!! MAKE SURE!!! YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED ENTER, WITHOUT THE MAGICAL TICKET!!!!!!NOW GET ON THE FLOOR AND GIVE ME TWENTY!!!!”

Finally we get into the movie theater. It was dark. So I totally tripped some little girls and then yelled “GO! GO! GO!” to Monk and Mel, as they stepped all over them, so we could get decent seats. We sit down and grin at each other, take pictures, and dance in our seats totally excited.





Then the movie starts. Ten Minutes into the movie, I look at Monk and bust out laughing. It was awful. They didnt follow the book. Yes, the basic story line was there. Boy meets girl. Boy is a hot ass vampire. Girl is a klutz. The lion falls in love with the lamb. What a sick masochistic lion. What a stupid lamb.

But the rest of the movie did not fall in sync with the book. Maybe it is because I was crazily obsessed and read the first book three times and had every scene, every conversation memorised, but the movie did not do the book justice. The climax of the book, was portrayed on screen within five minutes. And that was it. You didnt get to enjoy Edward and Bella falling in love. You didnt get to feel the emotional connection, you got while reading the book. You just had to fall into the world of make believe and know that it happened. While reading the book, I used my imagination and out of a two hour movie I only got to see TWO scenes, where my images came to life. I also feel like they tried to make the movie comical. Its not a comical movie, its an epic love story, where you are torn between Bella wanting so bad to become part of Edwards world and Edward not wanting to steal a world from her that he feels she deserves.

Overall I was disappointed. I shouldn’t be surprised. The only movie I have ever seen that was better then the book, was The Notebook. But with that movie, I connected with the movie and I connected with the book on two different levels, so they didn’t really compare with each other.

My overall opinion of the movie is don’t expect to be dazzled like you were reading the book. However, saying that..Everytime Edward was on screen I fantasied so much, that I honestly believe I am now carrying his child. Be expecting Christmas cards with the family portrait on it. Cuz we will have a beautiful family.

Because the title of this post is kinda weird I feel the need to explain. Jasper is the “newest” member to the Cullen Vampire family. He has a harder time trying to avoid the taste of human blood. So in my opinion, throughout the movie, he looked like he was walking around constipated. I accidentally said this thought aloud during the movie and it caused some chuckles. But you be the judge..


Lt. Dan you got new legs!! Magic Legs!!

So me and my brother had a hot date the other night. Because you know why go to the mall, when you can go across the hall. He gives his version here.


All day at work I was like “my brother and I are going to see the new bond movie and eat lamb tonight.” And apparently everyone on the base is a member of PETA and got very angry for the little baby lambs. And the poem Mary had a little lamb is a true story about all of their life’s. Because by the end of the day I had alienated everyone I worked with. I mean it is very sad over the lamb, but have you ever ate lamb? Its sooooo freaking good. Like the best meat ever. Also my steaks are made from horses.

So my brother picks me up and we head to the movies. We get nachos and a coke to share. We also killed a rain forest with the amount of napkins we used. We are rebellious like that. So to distinguish between who’s straw is who’s, Greg kindly spit down his straw to tell the difference. And it totally worked, whenever I took a sip, if I tasted spit, I switched straws.

Then it came down to the last nacho. Greg was really enjoying these nachos. He was enjoying them so much, he had to make me hold them periodically, so he could stop and chew before shoving another in his mouth. So being the doll sister that I am, I was like “you can have the last one.” And he was like “no its cool, we can split it.” And I am like “no I gotta save room for the little baby lamb, just doesn’t seem like it would be the same nacho if we split it. Like the taste would get altered, you take it.” Then we noticed that it was two nachos!!! It was like second Christmas!!!! They were just stuck together!!! Everyone wins!! It was almost like a biblical moment. The story of Solomon came to life right before us, but in the form of nachos.

The movie was really good. Not as good as the first but it was good. Although my heart did break during the first five minutes, when Bond totally destroys an Aston Martin. I felt part of me die inside, here was this gorgeous car being destroyed for entertainment purposes. While my brother and I drive two piece of shizas, that even if we could take all the good qualities of our cars and combine them, it would still be a big pile of metal, that still sucked.  

My poor brothers car, the only door that opens from the inside is the drivers side. So whenever we got somewhere, I would have to wait in the car, while he ran around to release me. It felt very much like being held hostage. We go to khols, to see my friend Jennifer and to look at GPS systems. During our search for the GPS systems, we came to the conclusion that we needed a GPS system to find the GPS systems. Did you get all that?? So we gave up and decided to hit up the Best Buy.

We pull into the parking lot and Greg goes to get out but his door WOULD NOT open. He is all like “what the heck?????” and I just start laughing uncontrollably. Because now all four doors wont open from the inside and we are stuck. It was like our own little family coffin. Greg gets all James Bond on the car and kicks the door open and the side panel falls off. So now we are both laughing non stop.

We look around Best Buy and as we are leaving, a van waves us to walk forward, but then proceeds to try and run us over. So I get ready to go off on this crazy minivan driver, turns out I knew her. And she thought it was hilarious. I introduce her to Greg and she says “so have you ate the lamb yet??”

So then we finally get to the resturant to eat our lamb. We are devouring our lamb gyros-ureos-heros, and we are discussing the deliousness of the french fries. Its like a magic seasoning. We want to know, how we can get it for our own kitchen. This is when we learn that it is the tears of two week year old baby lambs. It is crystalized and then sprinkled on the french fries. I am buying a lamb farm.


We then hit up Walmart for some razors and I got educated on shopping on a budget. He just wanted some razors, it shouldn’t be that complicated.

And finally we come back to my house. Greg pulls in the drive way

Greg: “Ill wait till you get inside.”

Me: “Well I kinda need you to open my door.”

Greg: “oh ya!” and he rolls down the passenger door window.

So in my mind I am all like ok he wants me to crawl out the window. So I start to gather up my things and plan in my head how I am going to get out the window..and I look at Greg

Me: “I cant believe you want me to crawl out the window.”

Greg: “Do what???”

Me: “your making me crawl out the window!!!”

And he just starts laughing and I am like its not funny, its kinda mean!

Then through broken laughter and tears streaming down his face he finally spits out “how about you just stick your hand out the window and open the door.”

And that will probably go down in history as the best end of a date EVER!!!!!!!!!!

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